I murdered the dance floor call the cops
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.