do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
