So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?