Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!