Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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