dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
