i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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