Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
