our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
