I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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