I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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