I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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