if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My cat gives me a boner
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
