Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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