Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
