One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
