I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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