drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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