My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
