I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
