dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
