The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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