you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Semen is not good for contacts.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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