You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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