Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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