i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
