He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
