Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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