why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
