Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
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Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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