Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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