Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
