I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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