But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
