Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
