My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
