allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
