i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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