He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
