Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
