I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You may now shotgun with the bride
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
