just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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