The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
