Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We're too hungover to prance.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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