Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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