my phone needs a breathalizer
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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