I can't watch pbs sober anymore
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
