I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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