see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
