My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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