i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
