Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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