I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
