I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize
