I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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