just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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