My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
