so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
