I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
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No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
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I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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