she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
