Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
True strength comes from lack of pants
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
