I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
