At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
This gyro tastes like lonliness
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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