please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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