That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize