you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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