You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
